Dear Kaveh,
The last time I saw you was at Stout two Thursdays ago. The evening was a normal one, consisting of multiple hugs and smiles from you throughout the night. You never hesitated to tell me you loved me and I love you for that. When we got ready to leave, I watched you walk away from my car and I never thought for a second that would be the last time I saw you. I wish I could just go back and hug you.
We spoke on the phone multiple times since that night; our usual phone calls. You texted me to tell me about the new Air Maxes that you got. You called me venting about Office Depot, which never got old. You called me to tell me about the new job you got at Buckhead Pizza Co. and how you were excited to be dressed up all fresh for work every night. You texted me to tell me that you saw Soulja Boy sitting in a red Bentley in Buckhead. I texted you and asked you what your schedule was going to be next weekend because I wanted to come see you at work. I told you I loved you and you said I love you too. Thank God I told you I loved you. It seems like an eternity but that was only five days ago. You sent me a picture of you and Jack the next night and told me you were “swaggin around bout to get a haircut.” Only you would be getting a haircut at 2:44 a.m.
But it’s the conversation we had two days ago that will haunt my memory forever. The twisted irony in the few messages we exchanged will eternally resonate in my mind. You called me and told me that you totaled your car. I was upset. You could tell I was mad and told me not to be upset. You asked me if I was going to stop being friends with you but I told you I would never do that, no matter what. I told you that I would always love you. You said the same. Then you hung up. “Damn wtf kaveh. You need to chill out for awhile,” I said. You responded with, “Yeah i guess so.” I said, “No. You almost died twice in one week. You frustrate me.” Then you said the last words I would ever hear from you. “Yeah yeah. Always been a fuck up homie.” I said, “Well it’s in your power to change. Things won’t change unless you really want them to.”
Why was this the last time I talked to you? Why didn’t I say anything else? I want you to know that I love you. I loved you from the day I met you and I will never stop. I loved your contagious smile and your hysterical laugh. I loved your hugs. I loved the way I could tell you anything and you could listen. I loved hearing your opinions and views on things. I loved having intense discussions with you. A few days before you left us, we talked about love. I told you I was falling in love with someone and you told me to let myself fall and I’ll be caught. I’ll never forget that.
I remember the first day I met you, and how you slept in my bed that night. You helped me name Guapo that day. You, me, and Guapo all slept in my bed together. I woke up snuggling with you. You were so loving Kaveh.
The night you and Jack came to Katie’s apartment was so fun. We stayed up till early in the morning…dancing…singing… of course you were freestyling; another one of your gifts. I woke up on the couch next to you the next morning. You asked me a ridiculously hilarious question that had me and Gracie cracking up. Then just like that after an extremely long night with a few hours of sleep, you were running out the door like you had just drank an entire pot of coffee.
Your natural energy was so intense. You gave off an energy that just made people happy. We’d always say, “typical Kaveh.” Because to your friends you were typical, but in reality you were far from that. You were something rare. A bright shining light; a truly beautiful soul.
I remember one of the last times we hung out; we were at Stout of course. You came and sat down next to me. You held hands with me and told me that you loved me. You made me look you in the eyes so you knew I was listening. You told me you really loved me and that you meant it. I wish so badly that I could hold your hand again.
The last received call I have from you is from 1:49 a.m. on 10/23/11. Why didn’t I answer Kaveh? I always answer when you call me. I’m sorry. I wish I would’ve answered and told you one more time that I loved you.
I haven’t been religious for a long time but to me you are an angel. You were an angel while you were with us; we just didn’t know it yet. You were our miracle. You were our little taste of heaven.
I’ll never forget about you. I promise you that. I promise I’ll never stop talking about you. I promise I’ll never let our memories fade. Even if I have to write down every single one, I promise I will never ever forget.
I don’t know where you are or where you are going. But I could feel you with me last night. I slept on the far side of my bed against the wall in case you wanted to come snuggle with me last while I was sleeping. I think you did. I honestly do. I could feel you with me last night and you helped me sleep.
Please be with me again tonight Kaveh. I still need you. I know it’s selfish but I need you so bad. It’s hard to make it through the day but it’s so much harder at night, laying in bed alone with your voice in my head. Just please watch over me and help me to be okay. I want to be okay for you because I know that’s what you would want.
I wish there was another word for love. A word stronger than love. Because sometimes I feel like love is an understatement for what I feel for you.
I’ll always be here thinking of you.
Love,
Amanda
